Search This Blog

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Dunkin' Donuts (Yankee Curmudgeonism)

Okay, flat out -- I do not like Dunkin' Donuts. Somehow this has become a mortal sin for people from New England, but really, they suck. Their coffee sucks, their donuts suck, and their alleged "consistency" is highly overrated. If you really believe their donuts are the same ones that we grew up with, you're either nuts or brainwashed. Their current product has as much to do with the product we grew up with as Coca-Cola Classic has to do with what we drank in grade school -- legitimately nothing.

On our way out last night, I decided to grab a coffee, figuring it was bound to be a late night. I pulled into the drive thru [sic] and ordered a Dark Roast, one cream, one sugar. I can drink their dark roast because it's not quite the flavorless swill they typically pass off as a cup o' joe. When I got to the window, I was served an ice coffee. Given the evident combined IQ of the drones at the window was somewhere in the vicinity of 41, I opted not to complain, but was still annoyed. No matter, I choked it down and plotted my blogger's revenge.

This morning, leaving the hotel we stayed at, we hit the Dunkin' Donuts across the street before trying for brunch at Pepperland. I tried for another dark roast, this time specifying hot. To my horror, I was informed that it was only available as an iced coffee. This is particularly asinine. I'm no Starbucks fan, but I'll be much quicker on the draw to go there for my emergency fix in the future. I ordered a regular coffee and a muffin. The muffin was biscuit-dry and the coffee, while molten hot, was predictably flavorless. Dunky's, you've got a captivated market; why do you insist on producing a sub-par product and hiding behind the excuse of "predictable consistency"? McDonald's is predictable, too -- that's why I don't eat there. Puh-lease! Somebody step up and displace these shitbags and their horrid, sub-par products. The market is ready to be taken, but somebody needs to take a little pride in their product to pull it off. I will not hold my breath.

It's more likely that a developing nation will capture this market -- that's about par for the course. Indonesia, what do you say?


  1. I never learned to like coffee, so I am immune to stresses such as this one. I will tell you, though, that I do, every once in a while, get a rabid craving for a Boston cream donut from Dunks. Say what you will, but only Dunkin Donuts lard pill stuffed in cloyingly sweet, artificially flavored goo and coated in imitation chocolate will scratch that itch...

  2. Part of the issue is the demand in the market for instant gratification. Streamlining service and cutting corners in ingredient quality will increase rate of output alright, at the expensive of quality.